this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
