If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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