I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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