Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
