my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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