dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
