It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
