I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
