I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
