I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate all girls vehemently.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
