don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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