I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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