Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Houston, we have a blender
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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