K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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