So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
