Do you still have your period?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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