I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
