After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
