I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
