I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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