i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
