you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
