Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
