Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
