My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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