I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
