I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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