I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
