Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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