Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
