pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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