I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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