Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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