??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
