So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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