I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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