i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My ATM looks so different sober.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
