why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
