I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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