Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
