I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
