Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
