You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
