we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
