ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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