Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
