i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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