She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have tasted many bathrooms
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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