I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need help removing her.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
