How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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