no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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