he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
