Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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