i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
