Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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