i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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