I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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