i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
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Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?