Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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