She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
